I'm back at it. I want to buy that place in the Caribbean and start painting boats. What is it about daily life that makes me want to run away? Funny, how all of this comes on the heels of something written about escapism.
I come from a terrific family. My folks are great - my brothers are great, nieces and nephews - all fine. So what's the problem? It must be typical for all of us. I mean, our generation. There is an attraction to separatism and uniqueness and I guess that is why we are all in New York. There are so many people trying to prove so much. I get a little sick of it all. Everybody scrambling for something different to say, better to do, something something something....
FUCK! I can't get across what I am trying to say!
I woke up at least 8 times last night. I had stomach aches. I don't get stomach aches. I had dreams of short men on cocaine dressed like cowboys, voluptuous women in lingerie, buses missed, tequila shots taken, cunnilingus interrupted by gay men. All in a house that was my mother's but was not my mother's that was my grandmother's but was not my grandmother's that was my childhood friend's but wasn't. All of it between waking and sleeping and stomach ache and anger and that lost feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and you feel all of the previous things I just mentioned.
I'm not a complainer and I am not a grouch. Lately I feel grouchy and like I want to complain all the time. It's unjustified. I use to have this belief that life wasn't about happiness because happiness is fleeting. Rather, life is about fulfillment. If you are fulfilled i.e. live in a house with a lot of windows, have a person that loves you, get to be in the sun and the ocean now and again, have enough money to survive, the guy at the local grocery store knows what you get week to week then the rest can all go to shit. Your truck could break down, it could piss down rain, you stub your toe - all happiness. All fleeting. But fulfillment will make you happy 95% of the time.
What if I was wrong? What if it is something else? Some experience ratio? Like you are supposed to learn X amount before you can move on. Die. finish up, etc. What if there is a certain amount of pain, difficulty, bullshit, that you have to wade through to get your just reward? Kinda morbid, I know...
There are a few people I know in this life who have had a much more difficult time than I have. And they all seem relatively better adjusted. Well - that's not true. I guess there are a lot of people I know who are fucked up and have gone through fucked up times as well...
I am incapable of finishing these thoughts...will try more later.
I come from a terrific family. My folks are great - my brothers are great, nieces and nephews - all fine. So what's the problem? It must be typical for all of us. I mean, our generation. There is an attraction to separatism and uniqueness and I guess that is why we are all in New York. There are so many people trying to prove so much. I get a little sick of it all. Everybody scrambling for something different to say, better to do, something something something....
FUCK! I can't get across what I am trying to say!
I woke up at least 8 times last night. I had stomach aches. I don't get stomach aches. I had dreams of short men on cocaine dressed like cowboys, voluptuous women in lingerie, buses missed, tequila shots taken, cunnilingus interrupted by gay men. All in a house that was my mother's but was not my mother's that was my grandmother's but was not my grandmother's that was my childhood friend's but wasn't. All of it between waking and sleeping and stomach ache and anger and that lost feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and you feel all of the previous things I just mentioned.
I'm not a complainer and I am not a grouch. Lately I feel grouchy and like I want to complain all the time. It's unjustified. I use to have this belief that life wasn't about happiness because happiness is fleeting. Rather, life is about fulfillment. If you are fulfilled i.e. live in a house with a lot of windows, have a person that loves you, get to be in the sun and the ocean now and again, have enough money to survive, the guy at the local grocery store knows what you get week to week then the rest can all go to shit. Your truck could break down, it could piss down rain, you stub your toe - all happiness. All fleeting. But fulfillment will make you happy 95% of the time.
What if I was wrong? What if it is something else? Some experience ratio? Like you are supposed to learn X amount before you can move on. Die. finish up, etc. What if there is a certain amount of pain, difficulty, bullshit, that you have to wade through to get your just reward? Kinda morbid, I know...
There are a few people I know in this life who have had a much more difficult time than I have. And they all seem relatively better adjusted. Well - that's not true. I guess there are a lot of people I know who are fucked up and have gone through fucked up times as well...
I am incapable of finishing these thoughts...will try more later.
posted by Ben at 7:44 PM
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