Listening to Lion's Mane by Iron and Wine
Although I feel like I owe very little allegiance to Mike Myers, especially because a lot of my friends in Improv tell me he's a dick, he did coin a really great phrase when I saw him in grad school. When asked about his penchant for performing he said that he was a "site-specific-extrovert." Someone was telling me the other day that they were sure that I was "always on." And this phrase comes up very often. With people I work with at the bar, people I act with, people I interact with daily.
Do you know what's funny? I think of myself mainly as a solitary person. I spend the majority of my day, and thus, my life, quietly. A lot of the time in contemplation. I think that most of my closest friends know this about me. I think that I have always believed that for every hour that you are "on" you need twice as many to just be quiet.
Furthermore, I really detest what "being on" implies. I think that a lot of people we know are "on" sometimes. But this stigma gets attached to actors. It's as if we are being accused of doing something dirty when we get like that. But that's our role. No pun intended. Actor's are meant to be ebullient, outgoing, centers of attention.
The thing is, few people understand that in most cases there is a long interior dialogue that goes on. And even longer periods of inaction or silence. I know that I am prone to self-examination, probably more than others, but there are times when I definitely feel like I need to exercise my right to silence.
Behaviorally, I am not sure what it is about my childhood that made me the way I am. I definitely believe that birth order plays the most significant role in why I am so extroverted. But even as a child I was prone to periods of silence and introspection. I remember very clearly lying down in the back of my parents Ford station wagon. They had two - one sky blue the other black. My Mom's was blue. My Dad's I called "Vader." I was lying in the wayback (is that a New England expression? You know - the wayback, where the seats fold down?) staring out the window and I was just hit by a viscerally charged waved of depression. Just a sudden sadness. The more I move away from childhood the more I realize just how sensitive I was. I looked up to my brothers a lot and I think I wanted to offer them a larger emotion than what they knew what to do with. I think their knee-jerk response was to pummel me. Which is fine - that's only natural.
Throughout my years in education I was always looking for a mentor. Maybe that's a product of having two brothers who related to me with what appeared to be difficulty. My brother Josh, for instance, is practically a monk. he is an extremely stoic individual who, in the past, could have a very fiery temper. When I spent a week on a beach with my family when I was 10 Josh and went walking. I wanted to ask him some questions. Big awkward questions like "Do you think Mom and Dad still love each other? What is high school like? Why do you always wear that ugly Vaurnet Hat?" He said "Meathead (that's what he always called me - Meathead), you ask too many questions." And that was it. Now, in all probability Josh was dealing with his own adolescent angst. But as a ten year old kid you didn't really wanna feel left out of your brother's loop. I guess in some sense it has helped with my independence, and we are all very close now, but very very different people. There is very little to unify us beyond our familial ties. While I think this enough, it still is strange that 3 men could grow up under one roof and have such different life paths.
Anyway, back to the "on" thing. So yeah - actors get a bad rap. Everybody has a friend like that. In college, every frat had one. A mascot/asshole named something stupid like "Ogre" or something. I dunno. Even women have them. That crazy friend "so and so." Just be a little less judgemental next time you accuse someone of being "on" all the time. Chances are, when no one is looking, they go to a place a little bit darker, a little quieter, and a little more solitary than most.
Sigh. Sad clown.
Although I feel like I owe very little allegiance to Mike Myers, especially because a lot of my friends in Improv tell me he's a dick, he did coin a really great phrase when I saw him in grad school. When asked about his penchant for performing he said that he was a "site-specific-extrovert." Someone was telling me the other day that they were sure that I was "always on." And this phrase comes up very often. With people I work with at the bar, people I act with, people I interact with daily.
Do you know what's funny? I think of myself mainly as a solitary person. I spend the majority of my day, and thus, my life, quietly. A lot of the time in contemplation. I think that most of my closest friends know this about me. I think that I have always believed that for every hour that you are "on" you need twice as many to just be quiet.
Furthermore, I really detest what "being on" implies. I think that a lot of people we know are "on" sometimes. But this stigma gets attached to actors. It's as if we are being accused of doing something dirty when we get like that. But that's our role. No pun intended. Actor's are meant to be ebullient, outgoing, centers of attention.
The thing is, few people understand that in most cases there is a long interior dialogue that goes on. And even longer periods of inaction or silence. I know that I am prone to self-examination, probably more than others, but there are times when I definitely feel like I need to exercise my right to silence.
Behaviorally, I am not sure what it is about my childhood that made me the way I am. I definitely believe that birth order plays the most significant role in why I am so extroverted. But even as a child I was prone to periods of silence and introspection. I remember very clearly lying down in the back of my parents Ford station wagon. They had two - one sky blue the other black. My Mom's was blue. My Dad's I called "Vader." I was lying in the wayback (is that a New England expression? You know - the wayback, where the seats fold down?) staring out the window and I was just hit by a viscerally charged waved of depression. Just a sudden sadness. The more I move away from childhood the more I realize just how sensitive I was. I looked up to my brothers a lot and I think I wanted to offer them a larger emotion than what they knew what to do with. I think their knee-jerk response was to pummel me. Which is fine - that's only natural.
Throughout my years in education I was always looking for a mentor. Maybe that's a product of having two brothers who related to me with what appeared to be difficulty. My brother Josh, for instance, is practically a monk. he is an extremely stoic individual who, in the past, could have a very fiery temper. When I spent a week on a beach with my family when I was 10 Josh and went walking. I wanted to ask him some questions. Big awkward questions like "Do you think Mom and Dad still love each other? What is high school like? Why do you always wear that ugly Vaurnet Hat?" He said "Meathead (that's what he always called me - Meathead), you ask too many questions." And that was it. Now, in all probability Josh was dealing with his own adolescent angst. But as a ten year old kid you didn't really wanna feel left out of your brother's loop. I guess in some sense it has helped with my independence, and we are all very close now, but very very different people. There is very little to unify us beyond our familial ties. While I think this enough, it still is strange that 3 men could grow up under one roof and have such different life paths.
Anyway, back to the "on" thing. So yeah - actors get a bad rap. Everybody has a friend like that. In college, every frat had one. A mascot/asshole named something stupid like "Ogre" or something. I dunno. Even women have them. That crazy friend "so and so." Just be a little less judgemental next time you accuse someone of being "on" all the time. Chances are, when no one is looking, they go to a place a little bit darker, a little quieter, and a little more solitary than most.
Sigh. Sad clown.
posted by Ben at 9:24 AM
1 Comments:
ahhhhh christ, ben.
don't get so blogged down.
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