Listening to The Mighty Quinn by Bob Dylan
I have been perusing dog shelter websites lately. I think I have a sickness. Look at this dog:
Awesome, right? Sigh. I have been working still. But I have had some glimmers of good news. I booked a commercial for a place called CARMAX in Delaware. I would be lying if I said that I haven't been weighing what my conscious choices abou tmy life will be like for the next couple of years. I mean, we all have these lofty dreams - at least the people that I hang out with do - but there is only so much that you can put up with , right? There are certain things I want, like children, a home, a dog, and I have to take a critical look at this selfish endeavor that I have undertaken and decide whether it matches everything I want for my life.
There are many sides to this conundrum. I am constantly flirting with the idea of selling my soul for some sort of management position. The large service industry company I work for is continually moving people up from the inside. I know that I am qualified and with a little bit of application can become a very succesful manager if not more. These feelings have been extremely acute since a fellow that used to be a waiter, then left to open his own bar, has since come back and assumed a management role. I like this man a lot. In fact, he reminds me a lot of way, but in a non-threatening way. He is also my age and has a baby on the way. I don't know if this has influenced his decision at all.
These more serious thoughts are constantly being tempered by those lofty even borderline-fantastic daydreams. I am constantly being overrun by thoughts of reincarnation, learning during a lifetime, duty to integrity, allowing yourself to dream. These thoughts typically follow the same path - that it pops into my head that we are basically put on the planet to learn a great lesson. They almost always have to do with some greater philosophy - love, humility, being prideful, in fact - a lot of Catholic overtones. And I think very often that in some past life, this is getting stranger I know, that I was already something larger in terms of a global scope. Or that I will be in the next life. Or maybe this life is the means by which I prepare myself for the next in which I find that great love. Or maybe this is the one. I am not blind to the fact that romance and love and women are constantly on my mind. I have used the word constantly constantly throughout this entry. Is that what signifies this lifetime? Is this a lover's lifetime? I don't want it to be, I want to find something wonderful and settle down. But maybe I am not meant for it?
Again - these are all dark questions that I want to set afloat. Watch them drift off against a starless night. And just live. But there will never be a time when I won't doubt. There just won't. And getting older is not the ability to dismiss these questions,it is getting better at being able to ignore them.
I have been perusing dog shelter websites lately. I think I have a sickness. Look at this dog:
Awesome, right? Sigh. I have been working still. But I have had some glimmers of good news. I booked a commercial for a place called CARMAX in Delaware. I would be lying if I said that I haven't been weighing what my conscious choices abou tmy life will be like for the next couple of years. I mean, we all have these lofty dreams - at least the people that I hang out with do - but there is only so much that you can put up with , right? There are certain things I want, like children, a home, a dog, and I have to take a critical look at this selfish endeavor that I have undertaken and decide whether it matches everything I want for my life.
There are many sides to this conundrum. I am constantly flirting with the idea of selling my soul for some sort of management position. The large service industry company I work for is continually moving people up from the inside. I know that I am qualified and with a little bit of application can become a very succesful manager if not more. These feelings have been extremely acute since a fellow that used to be a waiter, then left to open his own bar, has since come back and assumed a management role. I like this man a lot. In fact, he reminds me a lot of way, but in a non-threatening way. He is also my age and has a baby on the way. I don't know if this has influenced his decision at all.
These more serious thoughts are constantly being tempered by those lofty even borderline-fantastic daydreams. I am constantly being overrun by thoughts of reincarnation, learning during a lifetime, duty to integrity, allowing yourself to dream. These thoughts typically follow the same path - that it pops into my head that we are basically put on the planet to learn a great lesson. They almost always have to do with some greater philosophy - love, humility, being prideful, in fact - a lot of Catholic overtones. And I think very often that in some past life, this is getting stranger I know, that I was already something larger in terms of a global scope. Or that I will be in the next life. Or maybe this life is the means by which I prepare myself for the next in which I find that great love. Or maybe this is the one. I am not blind to the fact that romance and love and women are constantly on my mind. I have used the word constantly constantly throughout this entry. Is that what signifies this lifetime? Is this a lover's lifetime? I don't want it to be, I want to find something wonderful and settle down. But maybe I am not meant for it?
Again - these are all dark questions that I want to set afloat. Watch them drift off against a starless night. And just live. But there will never be a time when I won't doubt. There just won't. And getting older is not the ability to dismiss these questions,it is getting better at being able to ignore them.
posted by Ben at 9:40 AM
1 Comments:
You can have it all.
Including a puppy.
That's why life is amazing!
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