Listening to Exercise by Clem Snide

Well. Back on a train again. Traveling southbound. Hmmmmm. Southbound. That’s an Allman Brothers’ song, right? I saw them once. They were part of a mass conglomeration of bands that toured the country under a banner title called “The Horde Tour” in the mid to late nineties. My brother Josh took me to see them. I was 14 maybe 15. It was the first time I ever say anyone having sex (like live in person) and the first time I saw and smelled marijuana. My brother told me not to stare. I did anyway. At both the pot and the sex. What was I supposed to do? I was a horny little kid.
Weren’t we all? Maybe not. As time goes on and I take a critical look at my libido I recognize the strange relationship between a man and his penis. When you are a teenager erections arrive almost unendingly and for no apparent reason. You could be sitting in the middle of biology class and receive the largest erection you have ever experienced. As you get older those random erections become more and more infrequent. the act of sex loses a lot of it mystique. A fellow bartender remarked to me, rather matter of factly, that she thought it was funny how as you get older sex gets dirtier. I have always wanted sex to be the same. Something traditional and sweet. A breeze through an open window, a gentle entry, a niece sustained amount of time. Two people connected physically and emotionally. Eventually orgasming together. Is that naive? Marlon Brando was quoted as saying that every desire, every yearning deserts you over time save for one; the sense of taste. He said that ambition, libido, hatred, revenge, all of these savage and passionate emotions and senses eventually die out save for the sense of taste. You can always try more and varied tasting types of food. I guess that is why he died so overweight.
But what if it is true? I mean, in a way, I guess I can already see it happening. Sometimes I think that all of the aspirations and dreams that I have held onto so tightly will just erode in the wake of this long arduous downpour of failures and unrecognized effort. And I am not being depressed about it. I am just trying to be realistic. Evan Dando says “All my life I thought I needed all the things I didn’t need at all. All my life I thiought I wanted all the things I didn’t want at all.”
My friend Sarah’s mother has this woman who “writes for people.” She is kind of like a psychic. You start talking to her and she will start “writing” whatever comes in to ehr head. Sarah called her for me and I spoke with her. The first words out of her mouth were “Ben.....you are a doubting Thomas. You are always on the wrong track at the wrong time.” Regardless of whether or not this woman is a fraud, it is a little disconcerting to hear at any point in your life. I guess it is silly to look back and try to unravel all of the choice that you have made in your life up until this point. Or is that in itself naive. Can I make a change in the direction of my life at any given point? Do I want to? I think that if I have to look at my childhood in a critical manner I would figure out that I was pretty spoiled as a kid. Not spoiled exactly, but definitely didn’t want for anything. And in that respect, my life has been much of the same. I have decided to pursue a rather indulgent line of work, my job affords me a comfortable, if not completely financially stable, lifestyle. I am surrounded by intelligent and like-minded people. It is not a bad gig at all. But is it what I am meant to be doing? I am definitely very good at it. It is probably the only thing I am good at. I can entertain. But what is that? Will it ever pay? And as our celebrity addicted society continues to parody itself in empty spirals what is the meaning of an artist these days. How long until there is a unification between the Patriot Act and People magazine and privacy becomes as archaic a practice as druidism. Is celebrity something that I aspire to? Is fame and notoriety what I am after?
I don’t know. Again I circle back to the thought that most of us want to be retired at an early age. We have been disillusioned by our government, by our parents, by our environment (both childhood and general ecosystem). We see an unfulfilling path laid out for us by capitalism and we wonder at our own relative guilt. Or at least I do. Did I come to New York City because here it is a little easier to ignore everyone else in the world including, sometimes, yourself?
I want an apple juice. I think I am going to walk down to the food car and see if they can wrangle something up.