Listening to Frying Pan (again) by Victoria Williams performed by Evan Dando

Whew! I think that it has been a couple weeks of excess now. I have been living a little high on the horse and it is time to rein it in. Ha! Two horse metaphors.
My best friend suggested that we go abroad this fall sometime. go around Europe on a trip we had always wanted to take. "We're not getting any younger," he said. And I feel that. I feel time slip by more acutely than I did when I was younger. Not because I value it more, but just because there is more of it. When I was younger an 8 hour shift anywhere would be the most daunting thing in the world. Now it is just another way to pass the time. I was out in the East Village last night getting drunk and I kept on passing all of these young kids. I mean, they were of legal drinking age, but they were definitely younger looking than any of the college kids I remember seeing. Have I reached that separation? Are people beginning to, I don't know, look as if they belong in middle school?
I am not suicidal, never have been - well, actually, there was this one time.... - But sometimes I feel like there is so much life to live and I don't know how I am going to get through it all. That isn't meant to sound nearly as depressing as it does. It simply means that as you begin to look at life and the things you want to achieve you start to see that how you imagined things to work out isn't always how they will. All of the people that you see out there that have some sort of notoriety have risen to those means through more chance than sheer determination. There are spaces in the world that need to be filled and the masses will always find people to insert into these roles. However, in an opposite sense, the roles we need to have filled are seldom realized and hence, left vacant. The same goes for our lives. What we think we need is rarely what we need at all. And what we disregard as important is usually the most important thing of all. I think all of us tend to look for some kind of pill that when swallowed will suddenly and swiftly change the direction of our life's current. And it isn't so. Money isn't some great salve. Nor love, nor success, nor clothes, nor cars, nor anything, really. What you hope to add to your life that will make it better is only as satisfying ass the change you went through to get it.
Wow - I AM hung over, This doesn't make any sense at all. Rein it in, rein it in..... you are your most valuable commodity. That is all I am trying to say. Any attempt to "fix" your life by finding love or money will result in you being just where you were when you began. Sigh. Or maybe not. Maybe those things really will fix everything. I don't know. I am just tired of assuming that love is going to help everything get better. Actually - I am a little sick of myself. I hear myself talk, read what I write and I find it so boring and trite and I get frozen with a fear of inadequacy. Not that I think that I am a failure - more like there is so much more I could be touching upon. So much more that I could be saying that I am not. and I look inside to find out what those things may be and I see a void. An invulnerable obelisk of uncertainty that has taken root in the soil of my heart.
Ahahahaha. Did you just read that? obelisk .... soil of my heart... Jesus. Who do I think I am?
It's Monday. I am hung over. I spent way too much money last night. And for what? Who knows? A hang over? A clever story? Approximately 40,000 calories? So I could sleep on my couch? I am unsure. I am unsure why we do any of the things we do.