Listening to currently: The Late Show by Jackson Browne
I need a dog. It really has reached a point of critical mass.
I have this woman in my life, there are several more important ones really, but let's just focus on this one for the moment. We had a bit of a romantic interlude which came to a crashing halt when we were in the middle of a drunken sojourn through the pre-dawn streets of New York and she told me that she had a boyfriend. Nothing had occurred between us until that point, which I think only fed my desire. She appeared, at first, to have all of the qualities that I find attractive in a woman: 1. She seemed interested - always a really big one with me. 2. She's kind, considerate, intelligent, well read, cultured, has a good sense of style....I mean a lot of things that really get my engine running. To make a long story short, she ended up kind of leading me on and then sort of leading me astray and then quasi leading me off a cliff. All fine. I accept my punishment for poor relationship reconnaissance. However, since this happened about 5 months ago we have reached this strange plateau of friendship that doesn't suit me at all.
I guess I should put it out there that I work with her also. So there aren't a lot of free moments conducive to sharing my feelings with her, hurt or otherwise. Nonetheless, whenever we do interact I look her square in the eye and she laughs and I laugh and I think to myself " You (meaning her) really fucked up." Listen, we get to a point in our adult lives where we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to acknowledge that we are inherently desirable. It's not an egotistical thing and this is not to say that we are invulnerable to depression or low self-esteem, but it is silly to hold onto insecurities that you know are incorrect. So during our interactions I know that she feels the same way that I do. That there is something more powerful than what she can describe and I know that in her heart of hearts she knows she fucked up. That I was someone worth risking a lot for. And if she wasn't going to make that leap then there is someone else out there that will be lucky enough to have me. I feel like those last few lines are something my Mom would say to cheer me up....
Anyway, this brings us to tonight's events. I am not a gratuitous affection giver. If I like someone I will pat them on their back or rub their shoulder, etc. But I am not a cheek kisser unless it's family or a close female friend. So tonight, this girl, the one that fucked up, who I tactfully try to avoid at work, stops me and says "Hey, I haven't seen you in a long time!" and goes in for the cheek kiss.
You know what?
Spare me.
Spare me out the mother-fucking door. Don't do me any favors. I'm not your friend. This ain't no fucking bistro in the middle of Paris. Don't fucking lean in and kiss me on the cheek. I want nothing to do with you or your chump ass fucked up situation that threw me into an emotional loop for 2 months (and judging by this entry probably still has some residual effects). Let's be tactful and honest and say hello and interact like two people at work. You didn't give me the courtesy of knowing outright that you couldn't be mine, you don't get the privilege of being my friend and idly exchanging empty physical pleasantries with me at your whim.
Whew, that said I think it's important to establish boundaries with other people and yourself. You have to know when you have had enough. We all need things from other people, unless you're the unibomber - then all you need is postage - but you have to know when the dependency changes, when the wanting and needing has become a negative force on your life. I think that in the most sustainable relationships there is a little bit of a see-saw as you try to help each other get through periods of good and bad times. But when your emotional needs overrun your desires, ambitions, philosophies.....that's when you get into trouble.
Note: this is all coming from a man who said that he would throw away everything for true love.
And I still believe it, because I don't think that a pure form of love can honestly be tainted by all of these other mitigating factors. A pure love is something that springs naturally and freely and is built upon mystery, admiration, respect, adoration, awe and countless other wonderful feelings that Hallmark cashes in on every single year. And so, it is with that thought, that I bring this little essay full circle.
I need a dog.
See how I did that? Not bad, eh?
I don't need a fucking cat. Cats are like God's big laughing furry bag of fuck you. He's like "I'll invent a pet that will want shit-all to do with you on a daily basis, cough up lumps of hair, shit in a box, and have the worst breath of any other animal on my green Earth."
I faintly thought of Wilford Brimley as the voice of GOD but Christopher Walken may have been better.
Now a dog... A mother-fucking D-O-G will love your ass come hide or hair. You can kick the shit out of it and it will still love you. Not that I have ever physically hurt an animal. But you know what I am saying. That fucking dog will never cheat on you, or pretend to be yours when it really belongs to another. The worst it will do is leave you for someone with a pocket full of bacon. You know what? I would leave me for a pocket full of bacon. I don't really see that as a fault. I just need some non-qualified, gratuitous, wholesome, pure love to make me feel like I deserve to feel like. None of this kiss on the cheek like were best buddies shit. Women. FUCK.
I need a dog. It really has reached a point of critical mass.
I have this woman in my life, there are several more important ones really, but let's just focus on this one for the moment. We had a bit of a romantic interlude which came to a crashing halt when we were in the middle of a drunken sojourn through the pre-dawn streets of New York and she told me that she had a boyfriend. Nothing had occurred between us until that point, which I think only fed my desire. She appeared, at first, to have all of the qualities that I find attractive in a woman: 1. She seemed interested - always a really big one with me. 2. She's kind, considerate, intelligent, well read, cultured, has a good sense of style....I mean a lot of things that really get my engine running. To make a long story short, she ended up kind of leading me on and then sort of leading me astray and then quasi leading me off a cliff. All fine. I accept my punishment for poor relationship reconnaissance. However, since this happened about 5 months ago we have reached this strange plateau of friendship that doesn't suit me at all.
I guess I should put it out there that I work with her also. So there aren't a lot of free moments conducive to sharing my feelings with her, hurt or otherwise. Nonetheless, whenever we do interact I look her square in the eye and she laughs and I laugh and I think to myself " You (meaning her) really fucked up." Listen, we get to a point in our adult lives where we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to acknowledge that we are inherently desirable. It's not an egotistical thing and this is not to say that we are invulnerable to depression or low self-esteem, but it is silly to hold onto insecurities that you know are incorrect. So during our interactions I know that she feels the same way that I do. That there is something more powerful than what she can describe and I know that in her heart of hearts she knows she fucked up. That I was someone worth risking a lot for. And if she wasn't going to make that leap then there is someone else out there that will be lucky enough to have me. I feel like those last few lines are something my Mom would say to cheer me up....
Anyway, this brings us to tonight's events. I am not a gratuitous affection giver. If I like someone I will pat them on their back or rub their shoulder, etc. But I am not a cheek kisser unless it's family or a close female friend. So tonight, this girl, the one that fucked up, who I tactfully try to avoid at work, stops me and says "Hey, I haven't seen you in a long time!" and goes in for the cheek kiss.
You know what?
Spare me.
Spare me out the mother-fucking door. Don't do me any favors. I'm not your friend. This ain't no fucking bistro in the middle of Paris. Don't fucking lean in and kiss me on the cheek. I want nothing to do with you or your chump ass fucked up situation that threw me into an emotional loop for 2 months (and judging by this entry probably still has some residual effects). Let's be tactful and honest and say hello and interact like two people at work. You didn't give me the courtesy of knowing outright that you couldn't be mine, you don't get the privilege of being my friend and idly exchanging empty physical pleasantries with me at your whim.
Whew, that said I think it's important to establish boundaries with other people and yourself. You have to know when you have had enough. We all need things from other people, unless you're the unibomber - then all you need is postage - but you have to know when the dependency changes, when the wanting and needing has become a negative force on your life. I think that in the most sustainable relationships there is a little bit of a see-saw as you try to help each other get through periods of good and bad times. But when your emotional needs overrun your desires, ambitions, philosophies.....that's when you get into trouble.
Note: this is all coming from a man who said that he would throw away everything for true love.
And I still believe it, because I don't think that a pure form of love can honestly be tainted by all of these other mitigating factors. A pure love is something that springs naturally and freely and is built upon mystery, admiration, respect, adoration, awe and countless other wonderful feelings that Hallmark cashes in on every single year. And so, it is with that thought, that I bring this little essay full circle.
I need a dog.
See how I did that? Not bad, eh?
I don't need a fucking cat. Cats are like God's big laughing furry bag of fuck you. He's like "I'll invent a pet that will want shit-all to do with you on a daily basis, cough up lumps of hair, shit in a box, and have the worst breath of any other animal on my green Earth."
I faintly thought of Wilford Brimley as the voice of GOD but Christopher Walken may have been better.
Now a dog... A mother-fucking D-O-G will love your ass come hide or hair. You can kick the shit out of it and it will still love you. Not that I have ever physically hurt an animal. But you know what I am saying. That fucking dog will never cheat on you, or pretend to be yours when it really belongs to another. The worst it will do is leave you for someone with a pocket full of bacon. You know what? I would leave me for a pocket full of bacon. I don't really see that as a fault. I just need some non-qualified, gratuitous, wholesome, pure love to make me feel like I deserve to feel like. None of this kiss on the cheek like were best buddies shit. Women. FUCK.
posted by Ben at 11:50 PM
1 Comments:
I would not leave you for a pocket of bacon. Even as a friend. A pocket of ice cream, maybe, but not a pocket of bacon. Your ability to emote so close to interactions is admirable. Women are insane, and there is one, probably several, who will entertain and love you when given the chance. Go to bed for f's sake.
Post a Comment
<< Home