Listening To Solitude by Billie Holliday with Eddie Heywood
But isn't it true....I mean, we all go through so much pain in a lifetime. Sometimes I wonder about that. You will have to excuse any meanderings that occur - I have been out drinking with my brother and some of his friends at a pool hall in Wakefield, Rhode Island. As for the pain that occurs in a lifetime - do you think that it is all balanced? Do you think that everyone receives the same amount of suffering as everyone else? That if you have a happy upbringing you are destined for an unhappy end? I am not sure. I certainly don't think so from all of the empirical evidence out there. I have known people who's lot in life is simple bad luck. All of it hurtful and unfortunate. What about them? Are they paying penance for a past life of sin and evil? Who knows.
And as for only love being able to break your heart - that is the truth. Your family fucks you up, your lovers, your friends....My Mother told me a story in Vermont about a woman she works with that now works with the most popular cheerleader in her High School (the woman's that is). The woman, who we shall call 'S,' continually tries to impress this ex-cheerleader (both are over 50 years old by now) with her past exploits, her present exploits, her children, etc. Does it ever stop? If you know me intimately I will tell you about some horrific experiences that occurred in middle school. I will regale you with stories of popularity and bullies and insecurity until you want to beat the piss out of me. But it is all relative, right? I mean - we all went through that kind of hazing back in the day. I'd like to believe that most of us get over it.
B ut as for love - well, we never get over that do we? I had someone remark to me some things that I have felt for a long time. I don't think she would mind if I shared them with you. If she does, then I am sure I will hear about it at some later date. Anyway - here is her insight -
"Which brings me to fulfillment. You seem a lot like me, and prob like most other middle class twentysomethings, in that we had wonderful upbringings, wanted for nothing, and probably still don't. Our family and friends are what shape us and support us. But that we feel something is missing and somewhere along the line have decided that what is missing is not a 'what' but a 'who'. But I am cautious to think that someone can make one feel fulfilled - that's a dangerous mission isn't it, to rely solely on another person for your happiness and contentment? Aren't you setting yourself up for a fall? In an ideal world, we should be able to feel fulfilled in ourselves. Having said that, my parents couldn't live without each other, but I doubt 37 years ago if they were looking around thinking "I must find someone to complete me", they just found each other, and after 37 years, I think it's fair enough to rely on someone else for your happiness. And yet we still search...."
Funny, eh? I mean - it pretty much hits the nail on the head. Do you know what I did today? I took my Grandmother out to lunch and I played with my niece and nephews (pictures below). I told my Grandmother that I was going to wait until I found someone special before I got married. She told me that if my Grandfather was still alive then they would be married 60 years this coming fall. She told me that I was doing the right thing. She also told me that she prays for me all the time and that something special was going to happen to me soon! You heard it here first from Dolores Plante! When I asked my 5 year old nephew Zach if his parents loved each other he said "Of course!" as if I had asked him if the sky was blue. So where does the truth lie? is it even a question of truth? Where does love lie?
Do you want to know?
Do you really want to know?
Are you sure?
I'll tell you....
Well - it's somewhere in-between.
It is somewhere in between the innocence a five year old feels when he looks at his married parents (by the way -Zach just broke up with his first girlfriend, Tatum, so he is not necessarily THAT inexperienced) and an Eighty-seven year old woman looking back on her life and seeing that she was only meant to be with one man, even if he passed on almost 10 years ago. And where do we fall? Do we think that we are so precious that we can only find that one and special Juliet/Romeo to complete us? Do we think that it takes no work to make a relationship function? Or is it something more? Something worse, even? Is it society, technology? Is it the big city? Could New York just make us want to be married later? Who knows? Is marriage even a viable option for a twenty something living in any major metropolitan area? Are we TOO connected technologically? Will this rash on my inner thighs ever go away?
Are all of these questions just simply the means by which we sustain our lonely lives? Are we even lonely? Or, instead, are we just whittling away the minutes until our eventual deaths? More importantly, are we doing a disservice to ourselves as animals by figuring out ways to postpone our demise? How long will our children survive? Is it even remotely conceivable to expect them to stay with one partner their entire life?
I don't know.
I drank too much beer and now I have to go to the bathroom.
It is high time I cast these questions into the night sky like a dark balloon whose tethers have been severed. Let it fly into the heavens never to be seen again. And may tonight's rest be deep and dreamless.
As for you, the unlucky few that may be reading these poor ramblings, I leave you with the wondrous photos of today's adventures. My beautiful niece Hannah goofing around and Zach, Hannah, and I posing for ye olde camera phone. I don't know what the deal is with the toothbrush. You will have to ask Hannah.
But isn't it true....I mean, we all go through so much pain in a lifetime. Sometimes I wonder about that. You will have to excuse any meanderings that occur - I have been out drinking with my brother and some of his friends at a pool hall in Wakefield, Rhode Island. As for the pain that occurs in a lifetime - do you think that it is all balanced? Do you think that everyone receives the same amount of suffering as everyone else? That if you have a happy upbringing you are destined for an unhappy end? I am not sure. I certainly don't think so from all of the empirical evidence out there. I have known people who's lot in life is simple bad luck. All of it hurtful and unfortunate. What about them? Are they paying penance for a past life of sin and evil? Who knows.
And as for only love being able to break your heart - that is the truth. Your family fucks you up, your lovers, your friends....My Mother told me a story in Vermont about a woman she works with that now works with the most popular cheerleader in her High School (the woman's that is). The woman, who we shall call 'S,' continually tries to impress this ex-cheerleader (both are over 50 years old by now) with her past exploits, her present exploits, her children, etc. Does it ever stop? If you know me intimately I will tell you about some horrific experiences that occurred in middle school. I will regale you with stories of popularity and bullies and insecurity until you want to beat the piss out of me. But it is all relative, right? I mean - we all went through that kind of hazing back in the day. I'd like to believe that most of us get over it.
B ut as for love - well, we never get over that do we? I had someone remark to me some things that I have felt for a long time. I don't think she would mind if I shared them with you. If she does, then I am sure I will hear about it at some later date. Anyway - here is her insight -
"Which brings me to fulfillment. You seem a lot like me, and prob like most other middle class twentysomethings, in that we had wonderful upbringings, wanted for nothing, and probably still don't. Our family and friends are what shape us and support us. But that we feel something is missing and somewhere along the line have decided that what is missing is not a 'what' but a 'who'. But I am cautious to think that someone can make one feel fulfilled - that's a dangerous mission isn't it, to rely solely on another person for your happiness and contentment? Aren't you setting yourself up for a fall? In an ideal world, we should be able to feel fulfilled in ourselves. Having said that, my parents couldn't live without each other, but I doubt 37 years ago if they were looking around thinking "I must find someone to complete me", they just found each other, and after 37 years, I think it's fair enough to rely on someone else for your happiness. And yet we still search...."
Funny, eh? I mean - it pretty much hits the nail on the head. Do you know what I did today? I took my Grandmother out to lunch and I played with my niece and nephews (pictures below). I told my Grandmother that I was going to wait until I found someone special before I got married. She told me that if my Grandfather was still alive then they would be married 60 years this coming fall. She told me that I was doing the right thing. She also told me that she prays for me all the time and that something special was going to happen to me soon! You heard it here first from Dolores Plante! When I asked my 5 year old nephew Zach if his parents loved each other he said "Of course!" as if I had asked him if the sky was blue. So where does the truth lie? is it even a question of truth? Where does love lie?
Do you want to know?
Do you really want to know?
Are you sure?
I'll tell you....
Well - it's somewhere in-between.
It is somewhere in between the innocence a five year old feels when he looks at his married parents (by the way -Zach just broke up with his first girlfriend, Tatum, so he is not necessarily THAT inexperienced) and an Eighty-seven year old woman looking back on her life and seeing that she was only meant to be with one man, even if he passed on almost 10 years ago. And where do we fall? Do we think that we are so precious that we can only find that one and special Juliet/Romeo to complete us? Do we think that it takes no work to make a relationship function? Or is it something more? Something worse, even? Is it society, technology? Is it the big city? Could New York just make us want to be married later? Who knows? Is marriage even a viable option for a twenty something living in any major metropolitan area? Are we TOO connected technologically? Will this rash on my inner thighs ever go away?
Are all of these questions just simply the means by which we sustain our lonely lives? Are we even lonely? Or, instead, are we just whittling away the minutes until our eventual deaths? More importantly, are we doing a disservice to ourselves as animals by figuring out ways to postpone our demise? How long will our children survive? Is it even remotely conceivable to expect them to stay with one partner their entire life?
I don't know.
I drank too much beer and now I have to go to the bathroom.
It is high time I cast these questions into the night sky like a dark balloon whose tethers have been severed. Let it fly into the heavens never to be seen again. And may tonight's rest be deep and dreamless.
As for you, the unlucky few that may be reading these poor ramblings, I leave you with the wondrous photos of today's adventures. My beautiful niece Hannah goofing around and Zach, Hannah, and I posing for ye olde camera phone. I don't know what the deal is with the toothbrush. You will have to ask Hannah.
posted by Ben at 9:06 PM
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