I'm writing a one man show. Correction - I'm TRYING to write a one man show. My friend Jeff Kaplan has been nice enough tto guide and direct me through this torturous process. It's fun - and things come out fluidly. I just don't know if it's funny or not. Did I mention it's supposed to be comedic? Yeah - it is.
I got placed on a Harold team earlier this year at the UCB. it have been the most positive significant change in my life in a long time. Now I am part of a larger community that serves to make those in the know in NYC chuckle every once in a while. It ain't easy. I moved in with my girlfriend. We have a great place - it's a railroad apartment that she has decorated in a way that I would never be able to. I'm not nearly as creative or inspired as she.
Went to Soucth carolina with my family over the summer. It was more of the same. I'm unsure if my brothers are helpless to continually act the same way we have always acted or if they choose to act that way on purpose. Either way it's wasn't a whole lot of fun. I turned thirty while i was there and I know you're assuming that's why I thought it was so lame but you're wrong. Well - i guess not - I mean it did bother me that my birthday wasn't that exciting, and that nobody really spoke to each other the entire time, or that my oldest brother was in the foulest mood I have ever seen him but it primarily had nothing to do with my 30th. They're fun people when they're apart. But when we get together we just seem to compromise ourselves out of doing what we would like. So everyone ends up doing a watered down version of what they like and having nobody care that they turned 30. Okay - maybe I was a little miffed. That's unfair - my brothers sent me to New Orleans earlier this year for my birthday and my parents sent me a bag and a table so I don;t have room to complain. i guess I just would have preferred it if everybody could have gotten along in a weird Sally Fields-ian way.

I haven't added to this thing in quite a while....
Let's see....
Quit bartending.
Been auditioning for a lot of voice overs.
Found myself in an incredible long term relationship.
Still taking improv classes.
Watched the Sox win another World Series and the Patriots lose a Super Bowl.
All these amazing things and nothing to say about them.

Something that's a little more contemporary....

I decided I would stop bartending and just go out on auditions. I decided to "Throw myself on the mercy of the universe." I'm not sure if I needed to put that in quotations. It's been a trying experience. I haven't had a job since January 2nd. I can't say that I have missed it. I haven't been bored. Quite the opposite. I have been contentedly waking up late, reading books, playing my wii, watching television, taking classes, hanging about, etc. I think that life is pretty dandy. With the exception of my ever-dwindling funds, that is.
I think that generationally we would all like to be retired. We have watched out parents toil endlessly to achieve some modicum of success and financial stability and it all seems pretty nice to us. however, the back-breaking, relationship-destroying, all-consuming working and hardship just seems like too much. I'd rather just skip all that and go straight to the retirement phase. Sure, the rich can cultivate a sense of ennui - they can buy themselves into celebrity, but let a good-old fashioned middle class kid show you how to live it up like a wealthy octogenarian.
I think that working at Barnes and Noble would be pretty goddamn awesome. If I could only do it part time. Make a little bit of scratch doing voice overs and then just spend time shelving and re-shelving books. If I could pay my rent doing that i think that life would be complete. You get a discount on books and you get to dress snappily. I could avoid dealing with all the assholes that need a drink and I wouldn't have to worry about involving myself in finance. I could do improv at night (maybe even teach it here or there) and supplement that income by manning the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section. I hear they pay 8 bucks an hour. That's not much. I'd probably just have better luck buying a Mega Millions ticket.

Listening to Nothing Came Out by Moldy Peaches

Went to the gym today. I ran 3 miles. Not exactly the most fun thing I can think of, but it felt good to do some physical exertion. I had my improv class tonight as well. Also fun, though a little bit less satisfying. There's definitely a love hate relationship with the performance arts. You NEED and audience, yet in some strange way you resent them. I mean, they are judging you. And then there's the entire esteem thing - the desire to just be adored and revered by complete and total strangers. You can't tell me that people don't like the attention.
And trying to wrap your head around a process. Really unlikeable. Having to analyze how to go about doing something you really enjoy can sap a lot of fun out of it. And again I return to this idea that life is just a means to pass the time. Like moment after moment of redundancy sporadically broken up by stimulating and amazing moments. Un-boring moments. But these lulls are kind of getting me down. And I can feel myself anesthetizing myself through video games, and pizza, and naps. I would much prefer to be busy. And in some weird way, I am really busy.
Maybe this all goes back to high school - when I would load and load and load up my plate until I was doing everything borderline shittily. Now that there is a little bit of balance in my life I want every waking moment to be filled with something stimulating. Jeez- stop and smell the roses, dick.
Okay - okay - maybe it's good that I don't have something to do during every waking moment of every day. Like this wekk - Improv stuff on Monday and Tuesday, audition Wed morning, work Wednesday night. Thursday morning free - work Thursday night. Friday all off. Work Saturday, have Sunday off (though I will undoubtedly be going to see Hot Fuzz with my girlfriend).
Doesn't seem like much, but my weeks are so segmented between improv and work that I feel like they are lifetimes apart when I am doing one of them. I suppose that is how life is. There's a guy at my work work that continually says that you can't compartmentalize your life - that you have to live it the same regardless of whether you are mailing a letter or delivering a rousing speech. I think he likes to live his life "impassioned." I agree with him. You should not compartmentalize. But, I believe that people DON'T compartmentalize. If you're an asshole to your boss, you're an asshole across the board. Maybe you are just more adept at covering it up. Maybe not. My girlfriend says it is evident in people's practice. But can you change your innate prerogatives? Like, for instance, I am kind of a last minute slapdash procrastinator. In improv that works. In crisis management that might work too. Accounting..not so much. I think the way you act is inherent in all of your behavior. I am not an incredibly responsible in one aspect of my life - I just happen to fly by the seat of my pants in a very convincing way in most areas of my life.

There's something wrong with my outgoing mail. My Mac account is being all funky and not sending stuff out. I did, however, receive an e-mail from my girlfriend (yes, girlfriend - shocking isn't it?) telling me that I was being lazy for not going to her yoga class tis morning. I cannot get my ass to exercise lately. I always want to put a "C" in the middle of that word. As if it was exCercise. We all know that's wrong.
I don't know why I am posting this. I haven't written anything in months. Not since close to my birthday I think. My life is really structured these days, and much happier. I work at a place called Devin Tavern (devintavern.com) Wed-Saturday, and then on Sun-Tuesday I am practicing improv comedy. When I have free time I hang out with my girlfriend and play nintendo Wii. Family's the same. I rarely see a lot of my good friends and, even more rarely, excercise or mope. Which is strange I think. I just entered a cocktail competition. If I win I get to go to Martinique for three days.
I just nought a new pair of shoes. Blundstones. They're awesome.
um.....
Am I boring? Do you get boring when you're happy? I have nothing to report that may or may not be legitimately entertaining. Is it because I am happy? Were my previous posts that stimulating? Probably not - I bet they were really mopey. I stopped listening to depressing music before I go to bed. I think that helps a lot. Now I just fall asleep to silence. And car alarms. My roommate moved out. Now I have the front room. It's bigger, sunnier, noisier, and I am never there. My girlfriend wants to move out of the city. My best friend wants to move to LA. I feel like there is no place in the world I could see myself being. I don't want to drive all the time. I feel like everything is just beginning to click and already I am going to have to shift it all around. More money would be nice, but you know what Biggie said...
sigh.
Even my faux hip-hop jokes ring false.
Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill. It has my endorsement. Read it.
Compeltely missed Kurt Vonnegut dying last week. That makes me a douche. Cat's Cradle. Read it. I'm leaving for my improv rehearsal now. That's it.

Listening to Tiny Cities Made of Ashes by Sun Kil Moon

Hey. Long time. Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 28. Not quite sure how that makes me feel. Well...that's a lie - it makes me feel like I am getting older.
There is certainly a difference between how I felt a year ago about my life/career/etc and how I feel now. I have been surrounded by my family for the past week in South Carolina. It's awkward to see us all try to fumble around with one another as adults but be unable to transcend the childhood relationships that we find so familiar yet ill-fitting. I swear, my brothers still pick on me about things that happened over a decade ago. In some cases even longer. And I am at a loss as to how this still manages to find entertainment value.
Recently read an interview with Merv Griffin. That is one weird dude.
Have another wedding coming up this September. Not nearly as dramatic as the one that passed. It should be noted that the wedding that just passed was far from dramatic once it occurred. the only residual effect has been a couple strange voyeuristic dreams.
Watched Larry King interview Jon Bon Jovi. Larry King is one weird fucking dude.
I don't know why ocean water is so significant. It really feels like it heals me in a lot of ways. Maybe it's the salt water. Maybe it's the natural rhythm of the waves. Not really sure.
The woman who did that psychic writing for me last year still haunts my waking thoughts. I keep hearing her say "You are a doubting Thomas - always on the wrong track at the wrong time." I remember things that people said to me a million years ago even though they are hardly credible. I had this borderline goth kid read my Tarot cards when I was 14 years old. He told me that I would be tremendously successful but lonely my entire life. I still remember that. Thirteen - wait, scratch that - fourteen years ago. He's at least half right. I guess it;s only natural to reflect a little on your life over the course of the past year. Especially on your birthday. But part of me doesn't want to. Part of me is just plain sick and tired of all this reflecting and empty sentiment. The contrived hashing and re-hashing of who I am and where I am and blah blah blah just kind of makes me sick.
I guess we all have to do our damndest to make ourselves feel a little bit more individualistic in the face of so much international apathy and social homogenization. This is especially more apparent in New York City. In South Carolina every place serves chicken wings. And grown men wear visors all the time. Like, to go out to eat. All the women look identical. Everyone wears pastel three-button knit polo shirts. and, like, funky shorts or a mini-skirt. Have you ever wondered where all the croakies went after the eighties? They're all down here. Holding sunglasses to guys necks. It's a crime. It's a Goddamn crime. I mean visors! Come on.
But everyone is really nice. And polite. And accommodating. I just realized that a "commode" is a bathroom, right? And that's also a major part of accommodating, right?
Sigh.
Now I have to go back to work. As a 28 year old. As a 28 year old with pain in his knees, no savings account, an incredibly perseverant case of athlete's foot, and a severe addiction to cheese. And probably liquor and beer. And maybe cigarettes. And masturbation.
Double sigh.
I included a picture of me that my friend Courtney took. It's just moments after I have careened over the end of a slip and slide. It slid on gravel for a good yard or two. I think it's a pretty steady metaphor for life in general. There's a good story that goes along with it. But you'll have to buy me a beer to get it out of me. And if you know me, it's pretty damn hard to buy me a beer.

Listening to Thirteen by Big Star

So the hair experiment goes on.....
I leave in a couple of weeks or so for a very very very close and old friend's wedding. He's marrying another very very close friend. My high school sweetheart will be there. While this doesn't fill my waking hours with any tangible dread there is still a subconscious infiltration of residual feelings. I have had a couple of dreams here and there. I have stopped attaching any significance to them. I suppose that we all have some sort of person in our past that we all felt strongly about. Now I wish that the celebration is just that - a celebration. That maybe I can have some sort of bittersweet closure to feelings that were once so powerful and now just occupy a special place in my heart. She is married now and all the words we said and things we wrote and felt are just remnants of two people that have long ceased to exist. I am sure that there are pieces of the 16 year old I was still in me. I just hope that none of them decide to surface. Especially cause she's married and a lawyer and I am pretty sure her husband is a pretty tough dude.
Been working like a dog - 5 nights a week. I think I may be maxing out at 40 hours a week since...well....since I left college. It's strange - how cyclical things can get. How if you're conscious of it you can break free of habits that you have been in for so long. Maybe that's another key to getting older - identification of habits and the eventual breaking of them. I know that i haven't been as dedicated as I should be to this thing, but little of any import has occurred. Or at least anything that i want to relate to the internet public. Just more of the same old wandering. But things are pretty good. I feel alright - started smoking again. Have taken to enjoying my Air Conditioner WAY too much. Had a brief 2 day iPod scare and am now "resting" it. But the couple of tries I have given it lately seem to allay my fears. Apparently my Mom told me that my niece told her that she missed me. That was nice. I guess if I have to say anything negative it is just that I rarely wish on stars anymore. And when I do I am always at a loss as to what to wish for. I know this may seem trivial but you are talking to someone who has obsessively wished on stars since he was a wee bairn. It's a little disconcerting to me. That's all for now.

Listening To You're Hung On Yourself Girl by Billy Vera

Feeling pretty good these days. I have begun to notice that I can't compete with my hangovers as well as I used to. They are now a two day affair. My buddy Dan comes into town in a few days and it is going to be a doozy of a three day affair. I have to work Friday and Saturday night, but then on Saturday night my friend Sarah is having a going away party at a private biker's club. Then on Sunday my bar closes in Brooklyn and Monday I am going to see the Mets with Dan, Steve, and RIch.
Just in case you have never met Steve or Rich, they are these 40 year old Queens raised pot smoking, partying, Mets fans. Just a couple of great guys that have seen a shitload of concerts. They are great to go to Mets games with. The mock indifference and Yankee fans alike, have an encyclopedia of sayings and cheers and a huge tolerance for beer and peanuts. A winning combination.
The Red Sox are on a winning streak and my 13 year old cousin found my profile on MySpace and is trying to get me to sign up for World of Warcraft. I know that htis will occupy my life forever, so I am trying to be good. But i will eventually sign up for two reasons - 1. It's awesome and 2. I really like my cousin, even though the content of our correspondence could be a little too swear heavy for a 13 year old. But come on, he's heard it all before, right? And I never claimed to be a role model.
I have a date on Thursday. Still up in the air about the whole thing. It's not really following the typical route that most "dating" does. Is there a typical route? Which is not to say that it has been bad. Far from it - it's been nice but just seems to be having a little trouble getting off the ground. I am beginning to recognize that my schedule makes it pretty difficult to see anyone at all unless they want to hang out post 12 am. This limits my options substantially. And I find myself torn between loyalty to friends on my time off and possibly going out on dates with women I am interested in. Not that there are any.
I am always impressed by the positive attitude that accompanies regular stops to the gym. When I got to the gym more often than I don't I am much more happy throughout my day. I feel like I accomplish something. And, although I hate to say it, I think a lot of my confidence is tied into how I feel like I am looking at any given time. I know that this is just simple vanity, but I think that if I am smart enough to own it, then I can be conscious of it. I have a wedding coming up at the end of the month that my high school sweetheart will be attending. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't want to look as good as possible. She is married now of course. And I am truly hoping that seeing her will allow me to release a certain part of myself that I think has been anchored in a harbor for a long time. And I am almost certain that will be the case. I am much more of a realist than I was when I was 16 and although I pretend at Romanticism these days I can feel that sentiment almost certainly dying as time goes on. Do you have any idea how many older men take me aside and tell me not to ever marry? If you knew the sheer number it would blow your mind. The rumors that I am privy to - the amount of infidelity, the hurt feelings, etc. It makes a person want to just toss it in. Or at least not put in the same amount of work they may have done in the past. So when I see this woman I hope beyond hopes that somethings that may have been tied down may be released when I see how different we have become, how happy she is with her husband, how large her ass got, etc.
But back to the vanity - so I am trying to get in a little better shape. Look good, etc. Just be this irresistible single guy from New York, successful commercial career taking off, working at one of the most exclusive clubs in the city. Oh God - that is so fucking funny. Who am I kidding? I am still the geeky dude I was back then. Maybe with better hair. And that's a big maybe.