Listening To You're Hung On Yourself Girl by Billy Vera

Feeling pretty good these days. I have begun to notice that I can't compete with my hangovers as well as I used to. They are now a two day affair. My buddy Dan comes into town in a few days and it is going to be a doozy of a three day affair. I have to work Friday and Saturday night, but then on Saturday night my friend Sarah is having a going away party at a private biker's club. Then on Sunday my bar closes in Brooklyn and Monday I am going to see the Mets with Dan, Steve, and RIch.
Just in case you have never met Steve or Rich, they are these 40 year old Queens raised pot smoking, partying, Mets fans. Just a couple of great guys that have seen a shitload of concerts. They are great to go to Mets games with. The mock indifference and Yankee fans alike, have an encyclopedia of sayings and cheers and a huge tolerance for beer and peanuts. A winning combination.
The Red Sox are on a winning streak and my 13 year old cousin found my profile on MySpace and is trying to get me to sign up for World of Warcraft. I know that htis will occupy my life forever, so I am trying to be good. But i will eventually sign up for two reasons - 1. It's awesome and 2. I really like my cousin, even though the content of our correspondence could be a little too swear heavy for a 13 year old. But come on, he's heard it all before, right? And I never claimed to be a role model.
I have a date on Thursday. Still up in the air about the whole thing. It's not really following the typical route that most "dating" does. Is there a typical route? Which is not to say that it has been bad. Far from it - it's been nice but just seems to be having a little trouble getting off the ground. I am beginning to recognize that my schedule makes it pretty difficult to see anyone at all unless they want to hang out post 12 am. This limits my options substantially. And I find myself torn between loyalty to friends on my time off and possibly going out on dates with women I am interested in. Not that there are any.
I am always impressed by the positive attitude that accompanies regular stops to the gym. When I got to the gym more often than I don't I am much more happy throughout my day. I feel like I accomplish something. And, although I hate to say it, I think a lot of my confidence is tied into how I feel like I am looking at any given time. I know that this is just simple vanity, but I think that if I am smart enough to own it, then I can be conscious of it. I have a wedding coming up at the end of the month that my high school sweetheart will be attending. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't want to look as good as possible. She is married now of course. And I am truly hoping that seeing her will allow me to release a certain part of myself that I think has been anchored in a harbor for a long time. And I am almost certain that will be the case. I am much more of a realist than I was when I was 16 and although I pretend at Romanticism these days I can feel that sentiment almost certainly dying as time goes on. Do you have any idea how many older men take me aside and tell me not to ever marry? If you knew the sheer number it would blow your mind. The rumors that I am privy to - the amount of infidelity, the hurt feelings, etc. It makes a person want to just toss it in. Or at least not put in the same amount of work they may have done in the past. So when I see this woman I hope beyond hopes that somethings that may have been tied down may be released when I see how different we have become, how happy she is with her husband, how large her ass got, etc.
But back to the vanity - so I am trying to get in a little better shape. Look good, etc. Just be this irresistible single guy from New York, successful commercial career taking off, working at one of the most exclusive clubs in the city. Oh God - that is so fucking funny. Who am I kidding? I am still the geeky dude I was back then. Maybe with better hair. And that's a big maybe.

Listening To Everybody Plays The Fool by The Main Ingredient

So here I am: sitting in my living room dreading that I have to go in to work. It's for a multitude of reasons. First of all, the place is closing and the more I look at it, the more I want my Sundays off. Second of all, the more I look at it, the more i want my Sundays off. And finally, the more I look at it, the more I want my Sundays off.
We all know that the place is closing so why don't we just rip the band-aid off and let it die? Now I have to suffer through this strange countdown of sorts while the liquor starts to disappear and the boss just starts to pocket all of the money and everyone comes in expecting some sort of last hurrah while really it is just the slow tepid dying of an establishment that has been poorly run for the last year. I am really hoping that this will be my last Sunday but all indications point to next week as being the final week. I have no idea what the place will look like today - If there will be any alcohol left all. I wish that I was the kind of person that could just walk away from a situation like this. But I have always tried hard not to burn any bridges and I feel the same way now. I will just see it through to it's bitter, bitter, inevitable end.
On a more positive note: my buddy dan will be coming through town in a week and I met with a commercial agent last week that has led me to believe that some good things will be coming down the pipeline.

Listening To Tougher Than The Rest as sung by Emmylou Harris

I know I haven't blogged in a while. I think I needed to clear my head and let go of a lot of the negative feelings that I have had during the past couple of weeks. It seems like a lot of bad things have happened to people surrounding me. I had a buddy lose a brother in Iraq, another friend lose her Grandfather, another friend's Mother had a stroke, another friend got in two car accidents in the same weekend and has watched his relationship with his child's mother deteriorate past the point of reparation. I have had nothing even remotely bad as that happen in my life. To that end I think it kind of sobered me up and made me realize just how lucky I am in a lot of ways.
Apart from the bar that I have worked at for two years being on the verge of closing it's doors forever, I have had a little string of good luck. I have been meeting with a couple of high ranking agents in NYC and finally got paid for a VO that I did a couple of months ago.
But apart from all of this drama that has been missing from my life, I am writing this blog entry as a means to continue my celebrity look-a-like theme. A friend of mine saw this record cover and sent me this image:

Listening To Tougher Than The Rest as sung by Emmylou Harris

I know I haven't blogged in a while. I think I needed to clear my head and let go of a lot of the negative feelings that I have had during the past couple of weeks. It seems like a lot of bad things have happened to people surrounding me. I had a buddy lose a brother in Iraq, another friend lose her Grandfather, another friend's Mother had a stroke, another friend got in two car accidents in the same weekend and has watched his relationship with his child's mother deteriorate past the point of reparation. I have had nothing even remotely bad as that happen in my life. To that end I think it kind of sobered me up and made me realize just how lucky I am in a lot of ways.
Apart from the bar that I have worked at for two years being on the verge of closing it's doors forever, I have had a little string of good luck. I have been meeting with a couple of high ranking agents in NYC and finally got paid for a VO that I did a couple of months ago.
But apart from all of this drama that has been missing from my life, I am writing this blog entry as a means to continue my celebrity look-a-like theme. A friend of mine saw this record cover and sent me this image:

Listening to Roll My Blues by Jolie Holland

Have you ever walked by a stranger's home, seen the front door ajar, and heard people laughing inside? Maybe there wasn't laughter but an overpowering smell. Vanilla, or cinnamon, or cake or cookies. Tonight I was walking home in the rain. I was leaving work. The train took forever, but all in all, there was nothing to complain about. Sometimes you just stumble into the dissonance of a life you may have dreamed of and the life that you find yourself living. Now, as a child and adult, I have never been a "planner." There has been little in my life that I have set out to do and then doggedly pursued. I never had a life plan or an agenda that I had set up for myself. And, I don't really believe that I imagined what my life would be like in my twenties when I was a child. But the twenties will be ending in just a couple of short years and I keep finding myself questioning which direction the conductor of this train is going. Or even if there is a conductor. Sometimes I feel like that for better or worse life just buoys you along and you find yourself in the midst of "decisions" but never anything severe enough to merit any real deliberation.
Sigh. Such a great word - deliberation.
And this strange dissonance, call it recognized determinism, can create such a yearning in a person. Mind you - it isn't a desire for that cliche paradigm the "grass is greener." Nor is it a recognition of the choices we could have made in our past. It is simply the strange comparison of our imagined lives versus our real life. And I am not even talking about fantasy.
For example - have you ever spoken to someone on the phone without ever having been to their house? Do you picture what their room is like? Their front door? Their kitchen? There are entire imagined living spaces that don't even exist. And then when you finally arrive at these places to you try to compare the imagined living space with what you actually see? I do it all the time. What is explained to me is oftentimes very different from what I see before me. Sometimes it is a let down, other times I am pleasantly surprised.
Well, I think the same can be said about our lives. We have envisioned what and who we may have been and as we get closer to that thing, that person, we sometimes run into that strange shimmering dissonance. Like watching heat rise off of pavement. Things blur momentarily and then re-focus.
And sometimes when things come clearly into view, we are walking home alone in the rain after working at a bar in the greatest city on Earth. And it is not the judgement that matters here, it is the yearning. The yearning for all of that dissonant music to just once be in unison, or at least an understandable harmony.

Listening to All the Morning Birds by Jolie Holland

Is it already June 4th? Where does the time go? Had a good weekend so far. Ended up throwing up an inordinate amount of Mexican food, ate some really good chicken liver pate, smoked way too many cigarettes, got an unexpected night off from work, have not been to hungover, slept pretty well, saw some old friends, and even managed to play a little Halo here and there. I think that some parts of my schedule could do with a little revamping, but that remains to be seen. All in all I had a lot of fun with my buddy Tom. However - we are all getting a little older. And drinking just isn't what it used to be. At least the recovery isn't what it used to be. Now I have to get my ass out of bed and take a shower, go to work, blah blah blah.
It's all the same and sometimes I just feel like it's a means to anesthetize ourselves on a daily basis while we wait for something "important" to happen. Maybe the work is what is important. God, I hope not. Slinging drinks may be of great import to the people that are drinking them, but to me, it all seems like the best way to while away the time. That's a half-lie. I do like it. I find something satisfying. But it's just a way to help pass the time. Is that why I sleep so much? Probably. What does that mean? I think that there are too many hours in a day. Isn't that strange? Let's just say, arbitrarily, that you are meant to accomplish something in this life time. Something that doesn't necessarily have to be grand, maybe it's procreation, maybe it's ensuring a purchase at K-Mart, and once you have accomplished that thing, whatever it may be, you have done exactly what you were put on this Earth to do. That is also assuming that we were "put" on this Earth. Then what happens during and after the time you accomplished whatever you were supposed to do? What if I already accomplished what it was I am supposed to do? Am I just sitting around waiting to die? God - that's morbid. I have heard a lot of people say that having children leant a lot of meaning to their lives. I am in no rush to have kids. And, honestly speaking, in no financial position to do it. And I don't feel bad about feeling this way. I just feel...well...like I am waiting. Or maybe just frozen in time. I have been having really intense dreams lately. Nothing too revealing. Just vivid.
Anyway - I need to get up and go to work. Reading Deborah Eisenberg's 'Twilight of The Superheroes.' I highly recommend it.

Listening to Dragon Ships by The Fruit Bats

If I owned a bar it would be just like this - Corner Bistro. That man behind the counter is named Tom. He is the perfect balance of accessibility, intelligence, and curmudgeon-ness (is that a word?).
Okay - just found a couple of really great bands - Freakwater and Jolie Holland. I know that no one like alt-country as much as I do. But these are both groups fronted by women. Which make them a little bit rarer in alt-country.
Last night after work I stepped out into the city night with a couple of my female co-workers that I went out to LA with. I was done with the night , as they were, but before they went home they decided to circle the block and smoke a joint. They asked me if I wanted some.
It was great. Everything was great. I didn't get too fucked up - just a couple of hits - and went home on the train myself. Watched some TV downloaded some Steely Dan and Glenn Fry (The Miami Vice shit) and just chilled the fuck out. I downloaded the cartoon Star Wars "Clone Wars" onto my iPod and just watched the fuck out of it.
I had to completely re-edit my MySpace profile yesterday cause it turns out that my 13 year old cousin and his 16 year old sister are resourceful enough to track me down. the passage about being sodomized by a cactus was quickly changed to "being attacked by a cactus." Then he, the 13 year old, posted a comment which consisted of the following:
"Sup, lil Benny."
Hilarious.
HI - LARIOUS!
My friend Alex is coming into town tonight and staying with me. Are you reading this Alex? I think we might go find my friend Maggie and have really cheap margaritas at this cheesy Mexican place on University.
Yesterday I had an audition then I got some fried southern food then I laid out in the park and took a nap. I got a little bit of color and the sun seemed to charge some batteries I didn't know were drained. Now I want to sit out somewhere in a suit and drink Mint Juleps.
Next weekend I get to go home and see my family. That is going to be the single greatest thing which will happen to me this June I think. Do you want to know something really funny? Whenever I think about meeting that "special someone (meaning of course, Tom Selleck)" I imagine what it will be like to introduce her to my family at this little parade we go to. It seems as if my brothers have always had women there. Jason obviously more than Josh (seeing how Josh is a DEE-VOR-SAY) but still. I never get to make out with somebody at my Grandmother's house other than myself. Which is really disturbing if you think about it.
Oh well. I am gonna go lie down in the park and read my new book of short stories by Janet Eisenberg. I hope that your Thursday is a special day too.