Listening to the Red Sox game on ESPN

Fuck. The Sox just lost. Angel Hernandez making some shitty fucking calls from behind the plate. I will amend what I wrote about "listening to" above. I am now listening to Van Morrison's Enlightenment. I've loved that album and that title song since I was about 12 years old. Maybe 13. It has this one line "I'm in the here and now and I'm meditating/ And still I'm suffering but that's my problem/ Enlightenment don't know what it is."
As we stumble and fumble and trip and traipse and hide and hurt and heal and hurry through this messy emotional life all we can really hope to do is be as honest with ourselves and the people we care about. Or even the people that we hope to care about. I really believe that in your heart of hearts everyone knows what the right thing to do is. Now, barring any horrific childhood abuse, we can all choose right from wrong. That doesn't mean that it is necessarily easy, it just means that you know. I have seen people do evil things. I have heard of people hurting other people without having the slightest intention of doing it. I have done it myself. And I have been hurt too. God bless Wikipedia.
As per the free encyclopedia:

With regard to morality, Kant argued that the source of the good lies not in anything outside the human subject, either in nature or given by God, but rather only in a good will. A good will is one that acts in accordance with universal moral laws that the autonomous human being freely gives itself. These laws obligate people to treat other human beings as ends rather than as (merely) means to an end.

I believe that we should all adhere to a universal moral code that we all know exists and we all understand. So now, to bring this down to the purely egocentric and selfish level that I want, I am trying very hard to be honest with myself and the people around me and it always ends up coming out sour. I am an adult and am continually finding myself at a crossroads between how I feel and how I want other people to feel. I recognize that this is typical. That most of us are afraid of hurting other people. That we don't want to risk hurting anyone, including ourselves, but the risk of something actually working out always spurs us back on. So we set up little ethical boundaries and rules to help us along our way - no dating friends of friends, no dating buddies' exes, no dating people from work. But where does it all lead us? How do we feel at the end of the day? What if our feelings are too powerful? And what about all the missed opportunities? The could have, would have, should have beens? I think that the best thing you can do is to pursue every possible outlet that comes along until you find something that just, well, fits. Until you feel it with all your heart. And, like I have said before, if that naive romantic belief makes you feel nothing then you were better off having dared to feel anything at all.
I don't know what I am trying to get at with this thing. Or rather I am, and I feel like I am avoiding it in case any of the people I feel like I am writing about read this entry. Censoring myself in my own blog! Unbelievable. But maybe there is something to be said about extrapolating your own feelings and making them apply to something that everyone can understand and appreciate. To risk everything is to live without regret. I have never wanted to look back on my life and think "You know what? I should have ..." I would rather feel like "Well, I did, and it may not have worked out the way I wanted it to but at least I gave it a motherfucking try."
As a side note, my friend Susie's Mom reads this blog sometimes and I think she is a really nice lady. I missed a chance to see her this weekend and I kind of just wanted to send Peggy a shout-out. So Peggy, if you are reading this, it was a real bummer that I didn't get to meet you, but your son Rob seems like a really great guy. And I think you know how I feel about Susie - she's just gangbusters. Travel safe and come back soon. And I am sorry about the swearing.