I have this new friend named "C." I have never heard her laugh, seen her smile, or watched wwhat she does with her hands when she talks. I have this half-imagined image of her from photographs. I see this person speaking and laughing with a purely imagined laugh, completely fabricated gestures, and a frozen smile. But maybe there is some small solace in that. If you have someone that you owe nothing to that you can discuss intimate details with then maybe there are some benefits to the entire interaction. I mean, on some level, isn't that what therapy's about too. A stranger that you can share intimate knowledge with without them judging you for any subjective reason. But does true subjectivity exist? Can we ever exist inside the eye of the hurricane where no judgement is based upon any of our actions or non actions? I think so. And my friend taught me this. She sometimes comes up with stirring words of wisdoms like: "haya haya haya haya." or one of her personal favorites, which she pointed out to me - “You CAN have it all. You just can't have it all at once.” - Oprah Winfrey.
These little things make an otherwise errant ship safe at sea.

I have a friend Maggie (who, for the record, I have never had sex with nor screamed her name up and down Frost Street) that has a very close-knit group of friends. Every once in a while she gets this expression on her face. It's like a momentary glimpse of future felt nostalgia. She recognizes the happiness that she is experiencing in the moment twofold - at the immediate moment and the moment in the future at which she will relish it again.
I felt that last night. I had a housewarming party and all of my closest friends were there. Well, at least the ones in the greater metropolitan area. They brought booze, laughter, food, and revelry into my brand new apartment. I keep talking about "christening" my room by getting laid. The reality is that the real christening was brought on by my friends. If this apartment could start a year with so much positive energy and heartfelt good wishes then maybe it can sustain it as well.
I also had my first drink in about 2 months. So here I am - happily hung over, getting ready to go to work and looking around my apartment. Things have been worse, but it's rare that they have been much better. Also - I get to sing karaoke tonight. Hahahahah. We'll see how that goes......

The shelves came down. The roommate didn't like 'em. So I took 'em down yesterday. Today, I put them all back up. Differently. More chatting the last 3 nights. Can't say that I have found anything that makes me value its merits anymore. All this late night typing in a chat window......you create this false intimacy, reveal things that you wouldn't reveal to someone during months of being together. It's an illusion. So now I'm embroiled in this pseudo-close relationship with a person who might laugh like a donkey, smell like a pig, and grin like an alligator. I have seen a picture, but is that any comparison?
Was it all easier for our grandparents? The courtship process, the clothing, the sex, the love...wasn't it all a little bit easier? The waiting, the pleasure, the delaying...there's something to be said for all of that. Today there's empty sexuality, accessible pornography, on and on. Not that I'm a traditionalist, but I am getting tired of all of this overt bullshit. Next time, I'm gonna wait to have sex. Yeah right. But I'm gonna try.

Working on the apartment today. AAAAARRRRGH! If I put one more fucking screw through the fucking sheetrock and it doesn't stay I am going to be really pissed. I was up all night chatting to someone. Went to bed at 6 am. How much further is technology going to take us away from the intimacy of daily interaction. There is something satisfying in hearing someone laugh or seeing them smile instead of all this LOL and ;) shit. Like, WTF.
Anyway, I have hung 3 shelves and now I have to do a pendant light. I cannot say that I am terribly thrilled. When it is done I will be happy. But until then I will not be happy. That's not true. I love having accomplishable tasks. It passes the time and makes me feel worthwhile. The only problem is that I am so fucking tired because I was up so late.
However, new couch is here and that could be of tremendous import in my quest for a nap. We shall see. Yes we shall.

What is the single greatest commodity that you have from your first moment of consciousness?
Integrity.
You can earn and lose respect.
You can earn money, power, blah blah blah.
But you can also get whatever it is you want and still not have any integrity.
On the other hand, you can be the poorest man in the world but still have your dignity.
Your word. How much is that worth? In today's day and age, probably not a whole lot. And I am unsure as to the value of integrity either (See Fear Factor Seasons 1-4). With the advent of reality TV I think a lot of people have seen themselves dealing away that commodity that was given to us from the moment we were born.
I live by my word, can be painfully honest, I don't lie, don't steal, don't cheat (on tests nor on partners). I am good to people even when they are not nice back. I don't know why I do it. I don't really think I believe in karma persay. I just think that we owe it to each other to get along. I wouldn't classify myself as an altruist. I just ....well I guess I have a soft spot for the underdog.
There were a lot of people growing up (in hindsight they weren't that wealthy) that seemed very wealthy and privileged. My family was by no means poor, but we certainly didn't have a lot of flash in the pan money. Anyway...it seems as if the first child that recognizes that separatism can breed power (i.e - we shouldn't play with this person b/c of A,B,C,) is the first child to assume some sort of power over other children. It's the same sad sack playground story, but it has always stuck with me. Because of a terrible experience in middle school I have developed an acute animosity towards wealth and privilege that is granted without earning it. To see someone granted wealth and influence on the basis of sheer nepotism turns my stomach. Acquired wealth through hard work and dedication is something I respect tremendously. And people who achieve it are frequently some of the most thankful and down to earth folks I have ever met. However, often their offspring are people that are acclimated to a certain level of....well...comfort. And they expect it all the time.
Until I worked in an environment that was as personally dehumanizing and denigrating as one of the bars I work in now, I never realized that the smallest things mean so much. Simple things like eye contact, please and thank you, these things. They seem so banal, but without them you are lowered to the status of a servant. I recognize that I work in the "service industry" but never have I left a place of employment feeling so "soul" tired. Physically tired ? Yes. Mentally tired ? Sure-sometimes. But Soul tired? Every time. And maybe it's something in me. Maybe I am unable to let go of the small boy who was so hurt so long ago. But I like that kid. I really do. I have a big soft spot for that kid who refused to be cruel. The kid who tried hard to like everyone equally and be as empathetic as possible. That kid is still in there and if there is a measure of kindness that I can dole out on a daily basis then I am not afraid to do it.
A man is measured in deeds. HIs word his greatest asset. His integrity his only innate god-given commodity. How he spends it is up to him. But to keep it is to see it grow exponentially in value.

It is a well known fact that everything that makes you happy makes you fat. So, with that in mind, here is a list of the things that make me both happy and fat:
1. Bacon
2. Beer
3. Bacon
4. Relationships
5. Ice Cream
6. Movie Popcorn
7. Cheese
8. Sleeping
9. Watching TV/Movies/Blogging
10. Lying in a Hammock
11. Bacon
12. Pancakes
13. Fried Dumplings
14. Ceasar Salad (Count the calories people. FAT).
15. Bearnaise Sauce

I am not a big chocolate guy.
Now, as an interesting cross reference I will write down some things that I have eaten in the last week:
1. Cheeseburger with bacon.
2. Strips of bacon.
3. Pancakes
4. Sharp Cheddar cheese with Salami and triscuits (the triscuits were the healthy part).
5. Ceasar Salad
6. Movie popcorn
7. And I am eating fried dumplings as I write.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day. She was upset because she was off track from her "life plan." Where she was in her life was different than what she had designed for herself at the age of 10. Or so she said. the most planning I have ever done would be deciding what to have for dinner.
I don't feel guilty about this kind of thing. I suppose there is a small part of me that is completely unnerved by the idea that I have no long term vision for myself, no over-arching ideal for the direction of my life. At other times, I think that i would have to hesitate calling it living if I had decided what every facet of my experience would be like. There is a sense among people that you can either create the experience or just let it happen as you go along. After all, life is what happens when you are making other plans (John Lennon). I doubt that any control is ever really exerted. You can manipulate things so that you believe you have actually achieved some change, but to think that you actually focused enough that you changed the direction and temperment of your living experience? That's borderline God complex.
I suppose taht if you were born into a family with enough money/power/influence you could affect soical change. I mean - look at GW. That's a load of hooey. But what does that matter to an everyday person. On a daily basis I think that you are affronted with a million choices that can change and affect single human beings on a personal and emotional level. That is "power." that is the beauty of interaction.
Wait- am I contradicting myself?
Maybe.
You can exert change over yourself and others in a positive and negative way. But to imply that you can havea "life plan" borders on absurd. I mean, to limit yourself form experiencing different things because whatever comes up might not adhere to what it is you want to accomplish is a little ....well....dumb.
I hope this doesn't sound defensive. I have just never wnated to limit an experience because of something I thought I ought to be doing, Then again, I have never allowed myself to "experience" a life plan because I thought they were dumb. I hate myself and how I write sometimes.

I'm back at it. I want to buy that place in the Caribbean and start painting boats. What is it about daily life that makes me want to run away? Funny, how all of this comes on the heels of something written about escapism.
I come from a terrific family. My folks are great - my brothers are great, nieces and nephews - all fine. So what's the problem? It must be typical for all of us. I mean, our generation. There is an attraction to separatism and uniqueness and I guess that is why we are all in New York. There are so many people trying to prove so much. I get a little sick of it all. Everybody scrambling for something different to say, better to do, something something something....
FUCK! I can't get across what I am trying to say!
I woke up at least 8 times last night. I had stomach aches. I don't get stomach aches. I had dreams of short men on cocaine dressed like cowboys, voluptuous women in lingerie, buses missed, tequila shots taken, cunnilingus interrupted by gay men. All in a house that was my mother's but was not my mother's that was my grandmother's but was not my grandmother's that was my childhood friend's but wasn't. All of it between waking and sleeping and stomach ache and anger and that lost feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and you feel all of the previous things I just mentioned.
I'm not a complainer and I am not a grouch. Lately I feel grouchy and like I want to complain all the time. It's unjustified. I use to have this belief that life wasn't about happiness because happiness is fleeting. Rather, life is about fulfillment. If you are fulfilled i.e. live in a house with a lot of windows, have a person that loves you, get to be in the sun and the ocean now and again, have enough money to survive, the guy at the local grocery store knows what you get week to week then the rest can all go to shit. Your truck could break down, it could piss down rain, you stub your toe - all happiness. All fleeting. But fulfillment will make you happy 95% of the time.
What if I was wrong? What if it is something else? Some experience ratio? Like you are supposed to learn X amount before you can move on. Die. finish up, etc. What if there is a certain amount of pain, difficulty, bullshit, that you have to wade through to get your just reward? Kinda morbid, I know...
There are a few people I know in this life who have had a much more difficult time than I have. And they all seem relatively better adjusted. Well - that's not true. I guess there are a lot of people I know who are fucked up and have gone through fucked up times as well...
I am incapable of finishing these thoughts...will try more later.

There are few songs that I think of as personally empowering. And all of them have to do more with the age I first heard them than anything else. The short list is 'Sweet Thing' by Van Morrison and 'Born To Run' by Bruce. However, I would have to say that Phil Collins' Against All Odds is pretty damn good too. The songs are a lot more effective when you hear them on the radio. I think it is because you feel as if the cosmos has aligned at that very moment to tell you exactly how you should be feeling. And that feels good. You feel connected. I mean, it's not meant to be some dig deterministic/fatalistic plan that G-O-D has planned out for you. It's just that at that moment in time everything is aligned for you. Like the chick in "Silence of The Lambs." When she's screaming out 'American Girl' in her car. Now that is what I am talking about. Of course, she was about to be kidnapped to be used as a body suit, but who is to say that we don't experience the same thing.
As for the Bruce and Van songs - they represent completely different things. Sweet Thing is the commencement of a lengthy courtship alit on the wings of romantic notions. Born to Run is something entirely different. Although the romance is there it deals more with the notion of escapism. An idea that I think epitomizes Rock and Roll. However Rock may have been dissected by today's music critics (which, I believe, is the reason that rock is suffocating) there is always a desire to transcend, to move beyond the trappings into which we were born. The notion has its roots in the Blues, the desire for something more, something beyond the mundane.
Born to Run is simply the most distilled version of all these things: rebellion, desire, exile, escapism, transcendence, resignation, aspiration, hope, belief, faith, and love. It is the chance. The risk. It's the idea that it might not all work out but we'll leave that to tomorrow. Now, how often do we actually say that to ourselves in our lives?

So...auspicious beginnings....I would hesitate to say that I have always been a big writer. At certain points in my life I have been big while at others I have been a writer but rarely the combination of the two. Why the tourist trap? Well, it has to do with a feeling of never having truly mastered anything in my young life. While I recognize that my life is indeed still young, I think that I should have at least made a concession toward that grand o,ld 1950's ideal of "direction." Of course, the answer to that is completely subjective. to a dung beetle I have things pretty good. I'm well fed and sheltered with a readily accessible pile of poop any time I may need it. Which is not often. I mean, unless you like that, in which case, i can get to it very quickly. By the way, who are you anyway?
So, if this is a journalistic endeavor then maybe I could do with a little personal connections. My friend Tom was in from San Fran this weekend. We had a lengthy discussion on his last night here. He left NYC for greener pastures. Or, at least, different ones. Did he find it? Short answer: No. Long answer: Maybe. You see, he believes that there is much more to experience out there before he decides upon ultimately settling here. I understand that. He is a chef and NYC is the epicenter of American haute cuisine. He would not want to be any other place. I asked him about giving it all up. He said, when you look away from the path you are on, what do you see? I said ' I don't see anything.' He said ' exactly.' While that is completely mystifying and vaguely Miyagi-ish I would venture that aside form the obvious deterministic implications of the statement he was saying that we are so embroiled in our day to day game of cosmic Yahtzee that we are unable to look beyond what it is we have made for ourselves.
I would like to combat the relatively depressing nature of that statement by saying that the attempt at higher thought or ambition seems to be present in many members of my generation. That sentiment is only overturned by our desire to be retired as early as possible. I have known 3 people on unemployment in the past 8 months. All healthy, intelligent, job deserving folks. You figure it out.
Don't know if that was a good opening or not,but I think we raised some good points. Stuff we can get back to later if we have to. Which we don't. But we will.